Holy smokes! It’s already MID OCTOBER (wutttt) I am finally slowing down from the rush of this summer and would like to share some thoughts from all the places I’ve been.

Since June I have experienced the extreme spectra of emotions from shame, disappointment, loss, to joy, celebration, and satisfaction. Let me share a few thoughts I’ve had during the summer.

There is a brazilian author named Paulo Cohelo, who famously wrote a little novel called “The Alchemist.” Most people I know have read and loved this story, if you haven’t read the book I suggest you do so. I kept thinking about it at the end of all my trips this summer. I had literally traveled most of Earth searching for something I felt was an answer. Seeing that if perhaps I left where I had started I would be able to find some sort of missing piece all along. If you know how the story ends then I think you will be pleasantly surprised that my experience was very similar to that of the shepard boy…

After accepting defeat at trials in June, I knew I needed to sort out a few things in my life. I let the Paralympic Games become too big of a thing; the ONLY thing in which I was really working towards… maybe even living for. To have that one item in your life, fall through the cracks of your hands is a feeling I wish for no one to experience. It is a let down that hits you for what feels like a perpetual eternity with torrential waves.

Failure. Pathetic. Delusion.

These were the manipulative thoughts I let hit me every time I thought about it. I saw it all the time on social media, and even felt in the moments I helped my boyfriend get ready for the Olympic games.

I pushed everything out of my life besides making Team USA for the Rio Summer Games and I was left with nothing but months of time to either continue to feel like crap about it, or reflect, recharge and start over.

I took up a last minute offer to travel to a family reunion in Italy. It was under extremely different circumstances from any other reunion I had attended in that I was traveling to meet up with the group after they had already begun all the activities; but also that I was going into a post-very-messy-divorce-situation with my dad and his new girlfriend.

Italy was wonderful. It was confusing and painful to see all the change and hurt that has already left scars in our collective life. It was frustrating to watch family members enable some unfavorable actions of others; but I was empowered this time to be able to see the difference. That is a gift. This year was a notable reunion as “the kids group” (my generation) is now officially larger than “the adult group.” Not only did we grow larger as families have expanded- we grew so much closer. I was able to open up this weird, vulnerable side of myself where I haven’t felt comfortable to do at home, with friends, or with anyone other than this family. I connected with people my own age, distantly related, but drawn together by blodd and through the generations before us.

It was like being in a world lost in ambiguity. It was exactly what I needed.

I cannot thank my family, my cousins especially for letting me in, and sharing their stories with me. We made a pact this summer, for the rest of our lives. To do our best, treat others as right as we can, try to do better, but more importantly, FORGIVE those before us.

That is a promise I intend to keep.

just a quick, NON proof read(I kind of hate my iPhone keyboard for blog posts but it’s all I got!) thought I want to share: 
**while on vacation in Argentina I got a last minute phone call inviting me to compete for Team USA in both the Long Jump and the 100M sprints due to the Russian State Sponsored Doping Scandal. I was the first person given a slot, the slot I knew I had earned.**

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude as I depart for the Rio Games. I want to extend a very special thank you to my insanely smart support group in my sports/life psychologist Marc Strickland and all the staff and Interns I’ve trained with and learned from at Altis. They took a chance on me and it never went unnoticed. I came into this sport relatively late but have had an incredible amount of support and belief in those around me. The Olympic and Paralympic Games are meant to be a celebration of the entire worlds abilities coming together. It’s truly a profound spectacle if you think amongst all the turmoil in the world, in our own country and even in our own neighborhoods; that people who are nothing alike can come together, see the human spirit in the other and perform to the best of their abilities. My journey has been one of hard work, constant learning, constant growing, patience, forgiveness, but mostly love. it took me a long time to know and love myself like I do now- really up until I got the call to come compete just a week ago! What makes us successful is not accomplishments on world stages- but the accomplishments within ourselves. I have learned to forgive and grow with my family; created new ones all over the world but most importantly sat alone and accepted myself. If there was any advice I could give to anyone with a dream or a goal it would be to learn as much as you can about what you want to know. when you think you’ve learned it all- then find people who can teach you even more. Do things that keep you closer to the planet- eat real food as much as you can instead of weird chemicals. Tell people you love them, show it not only by extending yourself to them but also by accepting their offers of help. people want to see you flourish. Go on your own spiritual journey and know it is yours alone. the universe will do everything it can to get you what you want but it takes some serious leaps of faith and you gotta walk it alone. Find that the joy you are looking for on the outside can only come from within. Keep your convictions, do what you know to be right. You may never get what you think you want but no one can ever take away your integrity nor can you ever replace it. Your body tells you exactly what it needs; please listen. it carries you around all day and wakes you up in the morning, show it a little gratitude. Your cup is as full as you decide. I had cancer at a young age, I helped my mom plan my own funeral before the age of ten. I was given a second chance at life after paying the price of forever changing my body. It didn’t disfigure me; it transformed me. My amputation has possibly been the only consistent thing in my life and my leg is not who I am but it is one of my very best friends. It reminds me everyday of the strength that remains inside. This team is not the achievement, turning my scars into a legacy- that is what I’m celebrating. I love you all. thank you. 

Well, another year at our home away from home has come and gone. Amp Camp has played an extremely integral part of my adult life, coincidentally, I even owe my track career to these baby birds. I didn’t even know about running legs or Paralympic sport until I worked at camp and entered this weird world of removable body parts. It transformed me in virtually every way possibly- and that is a debt I can never repay.

Amp Camp is a magical place where now over 140 kids with limb loss or limb differences can come and be themselves. For many of our kiddos, they arrive and it’s like for the first time they can finally exhale from holding it all in. They can breathe. They can just be. For the kids, they get to undo their defenses and be who they are as children, NOT as children with special needs. We have kids that range from the sweetest creatures on earth, to some of the most savage animals I’ve seen and in between (but I’m assuming that’s a pretty typical range for most kids aged 10-17). I love watching them grow not only over the course of the week, but for over 7 years now I have been able to watch kids become adults and even a few fellow counselors.

As magical as it is for the kids, the magic is seriously real for the adults involved just as much.

One of my original baby birds; now my colleague in the craziest week of the year was having a serious heart to heart with me in the wee hours of the last night at camp. She said something that really struck a chord with me. Her first year as a camper was my first year as a counselor, so she was just reflecting on 7 years of insane growth and love she’s experienced at camp, including all the different capacities she’s felt were affected. She then said something that kind of threw me; she told me that coming to camp every year actually makes her feel MORE self conscious than self confident.

What. Whoa. Why?

Of course at this time we had three campers come join us and want to be taken to go hang out with the boys in their age group (teenagers REALLY like to “hang out” I’ve noticed)

And the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Amp camp is the place where your leg/s/arm/s are the common denominators. It brings us close to each other in a bond that is extremely intimate, unique and rare. At the same time, we use our leg/s/arm/s in our daily life away from camp as our shield of armor. For one week, the very things we carry around like badges of honor to a “normal” person is no longer our cross to carry alone. We are stripped of our shields and in an almost ironic way, we become “just like everyone else.”

We are exposed to each other in a profound way because we are all “that guy with the leg.” So instead of putting on the face of strength, courage, inspiration, or whatever adjective you’ve ever heard that’s way over used when referring to someone with a disability, we are forced to be ourselves. To see ourselves and be seen.
In a sense, we are lucky because our shields are made up of titanium and mis-shaped body parts. They can literally come off and rest loyally by our sides while we sleep and be ready for our protection in the days to come.

At camp we are forced out of our comfort zones on basically every level. Between shower and sleep negotiations to ropes courses, dancing and Ga-Ga we are pushed to try and do something new. Both kids and adults have to sacrifice our own comfort for the well being of someone else, at least if even for a moment. You change because you have to change. It’s a beautiful thing, really. You learn that “inspiration” isn’t what you imagine. It isn’t this weirdly sympathetic yet somewhat self-indulgent sentiment of watching some struggling soul figure out their capabilities to achieve mediocre level menial tasks. It’s watching someone acknowledge their own initial adverse responses to something outside of them and choosing to overcome that defense and do the right thing. It’s a group of friends who have known each other for YEARS be completely open and welcoming to new people they’ve never known because they know that feeling of being ostracized. An outcast. An other. We all know how much it sucks to be “that guy with the leg,” for the rest of the year so we encourage each other. We know that return to otherness at the end of the week is inevitable.

Something we often forget, is that even though we feel separate from “normal” people- we aren’t. We all experience important emotions that bond us in the human condition.

Fear. Confusion. Anger. Sadness. Loss. Vulnerability. Shame.

Amp Camp makes me think that while the rest of the world sees us as disadvantaged; we have the upper hand (sometimes literally) in this situation. It’s a gift to have something so symbolic that proves to us that we are not our external bodies.

This year has been SO HARD FOR ME. I am experiencing peaks and valleys from all the emotions of just missing the Rio Team Selection, personal family issues and consequentially my parent’s messy divorce. Of course throw in a few big boyfriend drama moments and moving and training and leg stuff; and I’d say I’m still very delicate in my emotional stability but through all of these trials I’ve learned a lot of critical things.

There’s something very elegant and profound in pain and loss, I think that’s called vulnerability. Those uncomfortable emotions that are our most basic and human moments are incredible opportunities to grow- to see yourself and be seen. They are also the emotions that most people try to avoid for the majority of their lives. Which in a sense, is kind of tragic because allowing yourself to feel that range of depth in life is truly a gift that many people don’t experience. It is something we have all felt in the most simple ways in the most complicated of situations. To be able to sit down with them and to understand them is something I am grateful for.

If everyone could take off their shields, like us, what would they see? That we are all just really afraid? That we fear we are not important? That we’re afraid we are always going to be an outsider looking in?

Being in the amputee community is incredible in that once you join, you realize there is absolutely nothing “other” about you. You lose a limb but you’re exactly the same human you’ve always been. Not one gender, race, sexual orientation, or any qualifying feature is more prone to limb loss than anyone else. We accept literally everyone. The only difference between us and others is an instant.
When I started being a counselor at camp, I thought I was giving myself some sort of pat on the back for being a “role model.” I thought I could be their “inspiration” after all I was a popular cheerleader. I could help them find confidence in themselves. But it’s so much more than that.

I needed camp more than ever this year because these kids are the ones who fill my cup. When I felt like the lowest version of myself they changed my perspective. Honestly, these kids don’t know or don’t care that I am a professional athlete and that’s what makes me feel so inspired. As much as I’ve thought I was empowering them in my successes, it was empowering them just to be and see myself. I returned to camp this year feeling like a complete loser. I thought I was a failure and they see me as if I am flourishing each day just being myself. What a novel idea- to see great value in vanilla moments.

Dudes. This camp changes people, for real. It continues to profoundly change me. I am so blessed now to have a first generation I’ve watch grow now be an AMAZINGLY solid group of counselors for the future groups of kids. They are incredibly caring, genuine, giving, loving, encouraging, inspiring and everything in between.

When we drop our suits of armor we discover our strength was indeed there the whole time. Those moments of confusion, hurt, anger, sadness, or loss; you have the strength to be your own comfort because there are so many people who believe in you and see your strength. At camp you learn no one can give that to you, but they can help you discover it in yourself. As we go on, we still very much need other people to help us, remind us and change our perspectives. Even though we have removable parts we are always connected and I praise all that is holy to live in this day and age of social media just for that reason. It warms my heart so much to see my campers interact with each other ALL THE TIME during the year when we are at our homes away from home.
So to my AmpCampFam (including all honorary amputees), my wish for you is to be brave. Even when you’re scared and angry; expose yourself. Find and feel all that stirs inside of you and then be gentle. Treat yourself like you would a best friend. Take care of yourself like a child. Know that you are so incredibly and deeply loved not for what you do or look like, but simply for being. You are incredibly important and what you think, feel and say is valid. If you feel lost know that somewhere in the world there is someone who knows and feels what you feel. Find comfort and strength in yourself and be thankful for experiences that bring you deeper into this world and all of its ups and downs. Let people in and be seen because we are all afraid. The things that make us different are the very things that will bring us together. Go after what you want. Even if it’s one leg at a time.

I love you I love you I love you.

L.

When I turned 26 last year, my mom called me (after she got a delicious chocolate birthday cake special delivered to my door- Thanks mom!!) and told me that 26 was basically the Wednesday of my 20’s. I was still very much in the  middle of my roarin’ 20’s.

Well, I have now spent a week of the “Thursday Morning” of my 20’s, the weekend in sight but still not close enough for planning any activities.

I have received an abundance of love and I just want to express my gratitude for those that have helped me through this week, not just this actual past week, but the metaphorical week of my young adulthood. And now that I am an esteemed woman at a respectable age, in my gratitude I wanted to give to those who have given to me. A lot of people (and I mean a lot) got healing crystals, phone calls, gifts shipped or even meals bought, but what I know I can share with everyone- is a project a few friends and I started earlier in the year. We sat down and had a conversation about what we are doing, why, and would we still be doing it even if we are destined to fail.

I hope you enjoy it as a gift from me, a gift of gratitude not only for your undying belief in me, but the constant support and love. Thank you. 27 has been so good to me- and it’s only the first week.

(If for any reason you do feel so inclined to share a little extra birthday love, you can donate directly to my track expenses HERE and help me with the insane costs of Paralympic Trials this month)

Please enjoy Part 1