Howdy doodles-

here is a revised version continuing my long post about #MeToo and more upsetting sex stuff…

I was fortunate enough to be asked by Ottobock Healthcare to host their online web series, Fireside Chats, where I had the opportunity to talk to some AMAZING humans about their journey navigating life with limb differences; and how they’re turning their experience into a platform for others. In our inaugural episode, I sat down with Mama Cax, and we talked about a lot of things but we covered the current trend of “inclusion” in fashion. While companies are boasting inclusion with different sizes, races and gender identities; there still seems to be a certain kind of dismissal on people whose bodies are significantly impacted more than those that still follow a very conventional structure.

Start at 7:35 to catch which context I’m throwin’ down. (This way you only have to take a minute and a half out of your day. Come on, you can do it…)

Why is it that there is still this fear or discomfort around people with disabilities? Is it possible that there is a common thread woven with this particular minority to that of the #MeToo movement?

Bear with me here…

Okay. I started the idea of “CrazyLegs” stories to share, laugh and empower people living with disabilities to live their best life in the mainstream. After all, society is a shared experience. I also wanted to educate the AB* community; but unexpectedly the biggest response I have received from these posts have been that of parents who have children living with disabilities. I thought I was showing the world that disability isn’t that different; but actually, it is.

(*AB= Able Bodied)

It is different from many other experiences, and it’s alright that it is different. Now we have an opportunity, as the affected population to take OURSELVES to school.

Using my very prestigious private school college education; I did a cursory google search and one of the top links took me to this:

https://disabilityjustice.org/sexual-abuse/

Let’s look at some quick numbers.

From a 2005 survey (which also- why aren’t we updating these numbers to be more accurate than something 13 years ago….)

83% of women with disabilities will be sexually assaulted in their lives.

Only 3% of sexual abuse involving people with intellectual disabilities will ever go reported.

Check the link for more stats and further upsetting articles, that frankly, if this were any other population IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD it would be a global outrage.

Rewind: EIGHTY THREE PERCENT WTFFFFFF

That means if you had 10 female friends living with disabilities, almost ALL of them would have been sexually assaulted. But no one might ever know because it is basically never reported.

When I speak on empowerment, I like to cover the topic of how women are traditionally raised. How we are instructed to behave, look, act, and just generally exist as agreeable.

“They are generally taught from childhood up to be compliant, to obey, to go along with people. [Because of the intellectual disability], people tend not to believe them, to think that they are not credible or that what they saying, they are making up or imagining,” she explains. “And so for all these reasons, a perpetrator sees an opportunity, a safe opportunity to victimize people.”

 

Nancy Thaler, a deputy secretary of Pennsylvania’s Department of Human Services

The Sexual Assault Epidemic No One Talks About

If that doesn’t sound like the “norms” imposed on women and/or children, maybe you should consider it and read that quote again…

In my opinion, this is one of the reasons why sexual assault has ran so rampant. People are easily victimized BECAUSE of their physical limitations, whether than means by being *literally* smaller and weaker than your predator because of being a woman, a child, having a disability OR by being told to be compliant in all situations because of their age, status, or intellectual capacity.

#MeToo

The good news is, we are moving in a better direction. The present seems bleak, but the future is bright! What I think needs to happen, is that it is time to step into our power. The #MeToo movement has provided exposure and insight to a hugely immediate health crisis that needs to stop. These assaults have gone ignored and unpunished way too long.

At the same time, these assaults should be prevented not only by those who have or are in power; but also by those who are directly assaulted. We need to fight back with better tools. While there have been amazing, powerful women (and men) who have shown up for this movement; where do we find our power when we aren’t Meryl Streep or Oprah? When we don’t have a global platform?

I am hesitant to share, that I think the #MeToo movement needs to be challenged NOT because it is wrong; but because it feels like an unfinished thought. Where is power when you have a smaller audience? What does it look like to prevent a catastrophe when the world isn’t accommodating for you?

While persons with disabilities are the highest affected demographic affected by sexual assault; they are also the most equipped group of people to adapt and grow in a world that hasn’t been built for them. That’s what we do in our daily lives; so now it’s time to apply it in a brand new context.

If we want to change the result; we need to change our approach.

This is our Power.

So this is a special edition of my CrazyLegs series in that, it isn’t necessarily a recount of a situation of dating while disabled…

But I think it needs to be addressed… in multiple parts because what I wrote is

L O N G G G G G G G G G G G

First of all, let me humble brag about one of my former campers now over all badass, Brenna Huckaby who is 2018’s ESPY winner for best female athlete with a disability.

Babe.

Anywho, something else also happened at last week’s ESPY award:

A picture of courage.

These 141 women on stage tonight are representatives for all the survivors who spoke out about the abuses they endured by their team doctor. pic.twitter.com/HT4hsaZNuk

— ESPN (@espn) July 19, 2018

AND I GOT MAD ALL OVER AGAIN! If this doesn’t still cause your skin to crawl; I think you should really take a long hard sit to look at the situations we put children, women, and people with disabilities in before we brush it off as yesterdays news. We perpetuate these things to happen simply because we tell people who are smaller, younger, weaker, and different than us to be quiet. To take what we are given. That someone always knows better/is smarter/stronger/whatever. We put people in danger because we raise them and tell them to accept the status quo at face value. We don’t encourage curiosity or for children to ever question adults; something that predators take advantage of regularly. Only in 2018, when Larry Nassar was finally sentenced, do we see the way in which the judge sentenced this monster being met with criticism.

AND PEOPLE HAD THE NERVE TO CRITICIZE HER.

Wanna how how I felt?

I try daily to work on compassion and empathy.
With that being said, if you feel the judge who sentenced Larry Nasser with bluntness and emotion as “being mean,” then frankly, fuck you.

— Lacey Jai Henderson (@lacesyourfriend) January 25, 2018

IMMEDIATELY I received a text message from a professional colleague with whom I do work together in a speakers circuit that acknowledged the intensity of this particular event. He then strongly suggested I immediately take down that tweet as it could deter companies from wanting speeches/collaborating with me in the future. Oh, and also that “kind of language doesn’t make for a good positive influence on children,” our future leaders.

Okay. I fully understand there are other words to use to express my emotions. I agree the F-bomb is usually a heavy hitter that I save only for people who know me well. (I’m Italian and my grandmother swore like a sailor, I swear it’s genetic but I can clean it up when needed.)

I intentionally chose this sentence and chose to keep it up for a few reasons:

1. I only thanked this acquaintance for his opinion but kept the tweet because it was clear that the dude is literally PROVING MY POINT about women/minorities/children/persons who are different being told to BE QUIET. That if they are to be upset, they should do it quietly and privately. That regarding a huge injustice is something where we shouldn’t be emotional; especially if it was at the cost of minorities or people who are different than us. What kind of message (or lack thereof) does this *actually* teach children?
2. If kids have any access to the outside world they are inundated with sex scandals, abuse, school shootings, celebrity suicide, literally bombarded with profound sadness. I feel right now, they are given NO TOOLS how to sort it all out in their heads or in their hearts. In my humble opinion, trying to hide outrage or not encourage someone to be emotional over a literal tragedy does more damage than any F-word could do.
3. When we continue to dismiss, or avoid acknowledging our collective pain; when do we reach the point where we make change to prevent these things from happening again? Playing nice rarely results in significant change.
4. Frankly, if that tweet is a reason for a company to decide against a partnership with me and my brand; I don’t think it would be a good fit to begin with. There is so much smoke and mirrors blown around in the world of social media and athletes being told to “stay in their lane” when they care about topics that affect people. That’s not what I’m about, and that has never been my intention. I stand for doing the things that are right to you, in the realest way you can and know how. To swim against the stream in case that’s where your goals are. And finally to represent people with disabilities as what they are first and foremost; people. So nah, I don’t think it would have worked out either.

*So sidenote, I wrote a blog a WHILE back now when I was working with someone to help expand my brand. He suggested I talk about the #MeToo movement, but approach it in a “provocative way.”

To challenge it, or to say somehow that I disagree with it (and I’ll break it up into sections and post them because what I got was good stuff IMO) however, it felt wrong to approach #MeToo in any way that wasn’t supportive and inclusive. That’s why it’s lived in my drafts for months…

I do support #MeToo and rather than challenge the movement I challenge us. Collectively.

We have got to stop playing nice, to being quiet to injustice. To going along with the status quo, when in our heart of hearts we know it’s wrong. When someone tells us to be quiet after expressing anger, sadness, or pain after a tragic event or if they are directly abusing us; then we need to be able to turn around and tell them,

“fuck you.”

And then continue making the world better than how it was given to us.

Here is a taste of the first part of my original blog about #MeToo:

Hey all-

So as my CrazyLegs agenda continues to grow, I receive a TON of good (and some not so great) content to work with. The idea that “disability” isn’t *actually* a dirty word when it comes to social status, dating, and everyday life is (shockingly) a revelatory concept in the mainstream world.

A friend sent me a podcast a while ago to check out, this episode is called, “Dating While Brian.” Brian is a smarty pants with a stable job from his master’s degree that also has lived with pretty sever Muscular Dystrophy his entire life. He is interviewed by a friend about some of the social “wtf-ery” he has ran into while being a man with a significant physical disability.

Why Oh Why- Dating While Brian

Brian had some memorable quotes during this interview, fasho.

Of course, there were some quintessential CrazyLegs shockers:

“Is that my leg or my dick”

(BRO BRIAN IS A SAVAAAGE)

But then, my dude is very comfortable going from small to medium talk in regards to people’s response to his very visible disability. He went to Vegas with friends and had a lot of first-time experiences and had his own opinions on to the response from his very active Vegas participation.

“People are always interested in the guy in the wheelchair that’s going against the norms. So you know, it has its benefits: in addition to handicapped parking.”

This particular statement struck me for a few reasons… not just because we really do love our parking perks BUT because what are the “norms?” in regards to people living with different abilities? Is it not normal to be a healthy adult, enjoying a good time with friends and feeling good about ourselves and our bodies? Why is that such a radical example of going against the grain for someone who uses a wheelchair? WHY WHY WHY

Check back next week for Part 2…

(where I tie my potty mouth and this podcast together)

L.

*Let’s please acknowledge and appreciate my tie-dye/cat pendant necklace combo in my featured image. Thanks.

19 years ago it was May 19th, 1999. This photo is me with my grandma Joanie right after attending a Mass my school held for my family before heading to the hospital for my amputation.

The last time I stood on two natural feet.

Fast forward those almost two decades and have a little chuckle about the sound bite that may have broken the internet this week:

Laurel and Yanny have not only disrupted the internet; they’ve also fully blown my mind. Obviously, this recording so CLEARLY says “Laurel,” but once I was caught off guard and heard “Yanny” twice before it’s return to “Laurel!”

*spoiler alert*

…Now I hear both simultaneously and I feel like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense once he finds out he’s been dead this whole time.

Anyways; as per usual I’ve been overthinking this Laurel/Yanny debacle and saw parallels in regards to my golden ampuversary:

So often, I try to be an advocate for disability. To prove that regardless of physical circumstances, anyone is capable of doing what they want. I try really hard to treat my life as a testament that we are NOT in fact a result of our circumstances; but rather who we choose to become regardless of hardships.

To the majority of the outside world however, my life is probably v sad. I am so CLEARLY at a disadvantage because of the loss of my leg. Obviously, I’m “Laurel” and supposed to be a “Laurel” as intended, because I am different. I have less than others. I am weaker and at a disadvantage.

But that’s not at all true.

Fast forward 19 years; and I am a professional athlete who travels all over the place and gets to play around in the sand and somehow call that my job.

Pre Meet Med Ball throws at Rice University this April

The world thinks I’m a “Laurel,” but I think (plot twist) this whole time I knew I was a “Yanny.” Instead of what was “meant” to happen after a profound loss like amputation; instead I was given a gift. And it keeps on giving. I have been able to see the world, I’ve crossed paths with incredible humans, I constantly learn life lessons and consequently get to teach some as well.

I am writing this reflective little diddie from a really good friends ADORABLE house close to downtown San Diego with the cutest, cuddliest little dog a few hours before I get to compete at the Olympic Training Center.

This is my beautiful life now. All of which would never have happened without being diagnosed with cancer which resulted in the amputation of my right leg.

It’s honestly way too easy and simple to judge things as GOOD vs BAD. To consider things only as contrasts.

LAUREL VS YANNY.

The more I reflect on this bizarrely melancholic-blessing annual reminder of all these things, I now understand why I hear BOTH “Laurel” and “Yanny” at the same time.

I hear both because I am both.

I have suffered intense loss, pain and grief. I have also experienced joy, celebration and abundance. Just because one exists doesn’t mean that the other cannot  simultaneously exist as well.

This ampuversary is a celebration of life and an observance of loss, and that’s beautiful.

That’s both.

Okay. So I hesitated doing this…

But this Crazy Legs post is from ME.

I need to mention, I FREAKING LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY. I seriously LOVE love, and yes we should acknowledge and show it to our partners regularly… but, I also think participating in a day doing something (even if it’s corny) that celebrates love is a good thing.

So, I was deep in my feels, y’all.

This Valentine’s Day, I was feeling extra sorry for myself. I was alone in a new city, and had one of those “break ups that wasn’t really a break up because it was never really a relationship” kind of things…

I did something impulsive. I wanted some sort of validation, and after having an AMAZING Gal-entine’s Day with one of my sheroes… I ignored my pride and downloaded a dating app.

Seriously she is fiercely perfect.

I’m still in shock… I have a love/hate/misunderstanding relationship with these things, but as someone who travels a ton and is mostly illiterate in technology I’d say I’ve had minor successes over the years.*

*This of course is once I understood how to use them and kind of what my own personal vetting process consisted of.

So… Come on. It’s Valentine’s Day! All I have is my dog and a phone that connects me to literally everything at any time. And the dog didn’t bring me anything special for V-Day.

To be honest, It was mostly validation I was looking for. I was lonely, and a little mopey (okay, a lot mopey if you’re my friend on literally any social media account you probably noticed that…) but believe me, validation is DEFINITELY what I got when I ventured back to swipe-town.

Then I got a little taste of why I wanted to start this Crazy Legs series in the first place.

Besides loving love and having fun dating, I also want to remind my friends in the disabled community what is actually appropriate or inappropriate. Not only as a matter of pride and dignity, but sometimes it’s a matter of actual safety. There are red flags to a lot of no-nos and as I continue on I hope to get better more clear ways to expose them through a collective experience. (I’m only admitting/sharing so much guys! Come on help me out! *shameless plug for you to share more content with me*)

The secondary goal of this series is to educate the “mainstream” world not only about what it is like through our lens, but also how not to be an idiot when trying to interact with people whose abilities are different than your own. Also, this could also be someone that you might like to get to know better and/or get naked with them.

There isn’t a playbook or a manual… so this is the closest thing I got. *shrugs*

Exhibit A: Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet “Inspired”

This is legit his first message to me. “Fighting Spirit??” does he know I am still kind of afraid to drive a car???!

You guys know at this point for me… it’s on like Donkey Kong!

(I will go back and blank out the city because #anonymity  )

I had no patience for “Inspired” and he needed to learn something on the holiest of romance days-such as this one. People who know me, even if they know me only a little definitely know better than to try this silly shit with me.

Granted, this is a literal stranger and I *get* that he’s trying to be “nice,” but if I wore braces would it have been the same conversation? If my skin color were different would it have been the same conversation? If I were in a wheelchair? If I were a little person? If I had a cat instead of a dog?? DO YOU SEE WHERE I AM GETTING AT PEOPLE??!?

( #coachanonymity )

I mean, “Inspired” was nice enough and handled my lesson with grace. Unfortunately, I knew (and I think he did too) at this point, it was not a match.

I’m sure in a different context, we would have gotten along well. I hope “Inspired” has met someone else who has knocked his socks off by being a little bit different than what he is used to… while still managing to be physically fit.

While love isn’t necessarily a battlefield, you can bet I ain’t going to lie down and take that nor would I want any of you to.

So, yes, our spirits are awesome but not because our abilities lie on a spectrum different than others; it’s because we are all human and we want to connect with each other. That’s what is actually inspiring.

I love love. Here’s to fighting the good fight!

L.

DOODES- Please keep your stories coming to crazylegs.llc.2017@gmail.com so I can share them. It really does impact all sorts of people, look at this positive parent comment from a post that even had the dirty-C word:

THIS ISH AFFECTS PEOPLE LET’S KEEP ‘EM COMING

Here is a textual conversation I had with a close friend about some first date protocol:

I just want to be clear in that my wisdom ONLY comes from learning all of these life lessons the hard way…

(She is a smarty-pants medical student at a REALLY good med school)

I am CONSTANTLY revisiting the concept of dealing with people who have disabilities finding themselves in situations where they feel a burdening obligation to explain their circumstances to people who frankly, have no business knowing.

Here is said video:

Let’s say it one more time for the people in the back:

IT SHOULD NEVER FEEL LIKE A CONFESSION

Aaaaand the rest of this convo is less interesting stuff.

Moral of the story: Stop accommodating other people. No matter your circumstance.

It should never feel like a confession*