Hey- Happy New Year!
This year I have been 10000% over the long-drawn out, deep-and-meaningful farewells to the year we left behind. Mostly, because 2017 was kind of shitty for me…
That’s neither here nor there.
Something cool I saw though is people are sharing their reading lists from the past year. I am inviting myself to share the 15 books I can remember reading from 2017. (Occasionally with a brief opinion and a link to buying them just in case any of these strike your interest…) Get ready to get to know me on a weirder level!
Okay, here we go… in the order of remembering them:
Don Miguel Ruiz shares his knowledge on handling life and love with some serious wisdom that comes from the Toltec tradition that his family still intimately shares. Some amazing, simple and profound stuff fa sho.
3. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F–k by Mark Manson
Been on a BIG Mark Manson kick recently, he has a well known blog that spews modern day wisdom. This was just a delightful little biddy that was mostly about making sure we reserve our F–ks for the things we decide mean the most to us.
4. Fiesta: The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
I like to mix non-fiction books with fun stories. I think there’s always something very elegant in reviewing some of the classics… Plus Hemingway and I both have this weird affinity for Bull Fighters- I dunno. Just go with it.
5. You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero
I bought this for my mom last Christmas and successfully stole it from her this summer. Great, easy read on manifesting all the things you would want for yourself and having a little faith and a little belief in the magic of the universe.
Okay so this book is in Argentine Castellano. So Spanish speakers/readers this is a delight. It’s about this painter artist dude who like goes full on stalker of a woman he sees at one of his gallery showings and there’s some treachery that ensues from all of that Latin Passion. A lot of references to the city of Buenos Aires which always makes me feel a happy kind of nostalgia.
7. Peak Performance by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness
“Elevate Your Game, Avoid Burnout, And Thrive With The New Science of Success” These guys came to my former training facility to present their research and findings on what helps produce a solid-ass performance both on and off of the track. It is really insightful and applies to all sorts of life situations.
8. Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
This is a book on mental resiliency written by Sheryl Sandberg’s perspective and personal account from the sudden loss of her husband. Backed up with some sweet and sexy qualitative data from Adam Grant.
9. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
A book you should just read. Kind of like a feminine “Catcher In The Rye…” Good, simple, clean prose with a touch of a spiraling mental disorder. It’s a fantastic read.
10. The Sparrow Mary Doria Russel
This book for some reason has taken me ages to finish BUT it’s an interesting story with aliens, alternate universes and Jesuit priests… I’ll just leave it there for you to do more research on it if any of that seems interesting to you.
11. The Familiar Vol 1: One Rainy Day in May by Mark Z. Danielewski
I had the pleasure of meeting my FAVORITE author in the whole world in 2016 from his work “House of Leaves.” His style is unconventional and kind of science-fiction without it being cheesy…. but his way with words expressing serious emotion is nothing short of poetry.
12. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Okay, I am so embarrassed by this but a coach recommended I read it YEARS ago and my ego was way too inflated to read it up until recently. Since I’ve thrown my pride away in the trash, it has been a good way to be mindful of maybe some not so healthy relationships in my life and their dynamics.
13. A Grief Out of Season by Noel Fintushel
Another embarrassing-ish self-help (and shockingly expensive) book that looks like it came directly from the funding of PBS (“and viewers like you…”) but it was helpful. Dealing with my parents divorce as an adult has been a weirdly alienating experience and this book is for grown-up-babies like me to help make sense of and help get through it.
14. The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Frankly, this book was just aiight. It’s about being present with sprinkled with some spirituality and magic of the universe. Never a bad time to remind yourself.
15. Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
This is one of those books that I’m going to have to read at least once a year. Frankl is a psychologist that also survived Auschwitz and he basically has a non-emotional way of describing the horror of that experience and what he learned. An academic the sharing psychology of what satiates us as human emotion machines despite going through some seriously upsetting shit.
When I was home in Denver, I recently met up with an old friend who I initially met at the LAX Airport in 2011. We became friends because we were reading the EXACT SAME BOOK. (Note: said book will be updated as soon as either of us can remember what the hell we were reading 6 years ago…) isn’t that a cool way to make friends through reading tho?
BOOKS BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER THIS IS MAGIC
Anywho, I read a lot still and already have a healthy list of reading on deck for 2018.
Thug Kitchen: Eat Like You Give A F*ck
This is a cookbook. I’ve been interested in trying better to eat just *food* (not scary chemical stuff) and also have been doing a little research on the benefits of vegetarianism/veganism and it’s anti-inflammatory properties (like, doing it the right with actual vegetables) obviously Thug Kitchen is not short on sass or profanity- I’m all about it.
Conscious Coaching by Brett Bartholomew
Brett was a coach at a facility I trained at in Phoenix and he has some amazing insight that applies to coaching, being an athlete, but most importantly being a human being who has to interact with other human beings on a regular basis.
Originals: How Non Conformists Move the World by Adam Grant
Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success by Adam Grant
My psychologist brought up Adam Grant to me about 3 years ago and I fell in love with his research on the psychology of social interactions. I won those books in a contest (nerd alert!) so I have these sweet little gems waiting for me sometime soon for consumption.
50 Physics Ideas You Should Really Know by Joanne Baker
No joke; it took me 1.5 hours to get through 20 pages of this book. I spent my whole life avoiding hard math and science classes just to enjoy it now. Physics explains the world as we experience it… and also helps me make sense of long jump sometimes. This book covers all the big and important ideas for simple folk like me.
Ishmael: A Novel by Daniel Quinn
I had read the Story of B which is the prequel to this and it was pretty tight. That book covers the Anti-Christ and Agricultural revolutions so I’m assuming this one also has some interesting, weird concepts that are beautifully wrapped up in good story telling.
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
Really into this physics kick right now and figure I should read another classic. I bet these books on my list are the equivalent of “Pat The Bunny” of science, but whatever, I like the way it makes my brain feel.
The Game of Life and How To Play It by Florence Shovel Shinn
A psychic recommended this book to me while I was playing around in Sedona and who I am to ignore a psychic, right??! Homegirl wrote this book somewhere around 1920 I think and it will be interesting to see where this wisdom draws parallels in our lives almost 100 years later.
Why You’re Not A Track Star by Tianna Bartoletta
Tianna Bartoletta is the 2017 IAAF World Championship Gold Medalist after surviving domestic abuse, divorce AND homelessness. Her athleticism is outstanding and I have a feeling her mindset is pretty rockin’ too. I am a seriously huge fan of hers and love seeing other athlete’s perspectives and how it helps shape their successes.
If anyone would be interested in starting a book club/read these along with me, PLEASE do not hesitate to let me know in the comments!
Hi Friends!
It’s been a while- and I am taking a quick break to post one of the most recent articles I wrote that was published by my friends at the Amputee Coalition with their magazine InMotion.
Coincidentally; this article has nothing to do with disability and everything to do with managing life as it comes.
OR ALSO here is just the text if for whatever reason I didn’t link the PDF correctly:
Every day you see people around you, on social media and in real life, who seem to have attained that elusive concept of perfect balance in their lives. Good news – balance doesn’t exist! It’s all a charade! When it comes to claiming our power, whether it is in our health, finances or even personal relationships, it helps to look at them the same way we look at the seasons changing.
When summer changes to fall; we pull out our sweaters and put away the sunscreen and sandals. When winter comes, it’s important to have a warm jacket to protect us from the conditions. In spring, we shed those layers and get ready once again for warm weather. The cycles that exist in our lives are not that much different than the cycles that go on in nature around us. Our priorities need to shift with the season’s change. Sometimes work requires us to put on another layer of focus and get the job done. Occasionally, it seems as if work is of less importance than to implement the necessary tasks in order to make our physical health a priority. Equally, relationships can get off-kilter, and there are appropriate times when those need more of our time and energy than other things.
Our power is available to us when we take a moment to step back, take inventory, and see what “season” we are currently living in. Just as the seasons lie on a spectrum, so do our responsibilities. Life will always throw curveballs, but different times require different levels of focus and energy. Our power doesn’t depend on “balance” – rather, it lies within the spectrum of all of life’s priorities. Be glad to know that you don’t have to do it all at once, take note of what is an immediate priority, and be thankful to know that this, too, shall pass.
Today is a good friend of mine’s 5 year ampuversary! She is a phenomenal human, amazing Kindergarten teacher, and my partner in crime trying to herd around 100+ amputee kids every year at AmpCamp. She shared a story with me for Crazy Legs, and it is my great pleasure to send it out into the world. It sucks to lose a limb, but it’s awesome to make friends like this one.
Dating with one leg is always an adventure! Considering I lost my leg as an adult and normally I use a leg with a cosmetic cover (so it’s easy to hide) I’ve toyed around with different approaches and I still don’t have a go-to line. For the most part, it’s always in the back of my mind, “how am I going to tell him one leg is missing?”
My typical idea on a first date is “if there is a possibility of sleeping together at some point, I’ll tell them within the first two dates…. if I don’t think that’ll happen, there’s no point in bringing it up,” and that has served me pretty well over the years.
I was on a Tinder date with this one guy… and was shocked at how well we got along and how charming he was from the get go. We started making out. Things got super frisky so I excitedly invited him back to my house. Almost immediately I thought “SHIT!!! I haven’t dropped the bomb!” In between breaths from our hot make out sesh, I casually said, “I was in an accident and lost my leg,” we kept kissing and he said, “that’s OK” without a bump in the road. We went home and had a hot sexcapade and my leg wasn’t even an issue.
Fast forward a couple weeks, we were pretty much boning as often as we could get into each other’s neighborhoods (more importantly each other’s pants…)
-Let me interject real quick that this girl has hilarious commentary, obvi, but also comes up with phenomenal answers to a lot of curiosity type questions. When people ask if/when she ever takes off her prosthetic, she answers with “S words”
“S” words: Shower, sleep, sex
This particular day, things were getting HOT. I was on top of him in bed (sans prosthetic of course), about to get to the main attraction. I went to stand up, extended my (half) leg (with no foot), shifted all my weight, and IMMEDIATELY ATE SHIT on the ground! Somehow, for the first time ever, I just forgot I had one leg! I was so in the moment, my lack of a leg was an absolute afterthought. I landed right on the end of my limb.
OUCH! So here I was, about to get on the sexy train, and suddenly FLAILING off the bed (luckily his glass door that I hit didn’t completely shatter) I’m NAKED and CRYING on the ground begging for ice for my leg. (Typical bachelor pad didn’t have ice, not even have an ice tray.)
I was so embarrassed. I was sobbing, and screaming “THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!!” trying to convince him that actually, this never happens. In my emotional-painful-naked-legless state (otherwise known as the most vulnerable for an amputee) I could not believe what had just happened. I was so thankful that he came to my rescue, held me and tried to calm me down after that very painful and very embarrassing fall.
But I think it was a good sign that he turned me on so much that I completely forgot about something that I’m usually so focused on. We still laugh about it to this day.
-After it’s all been said and done, have you and boo thang ever revisited this and he tell you his impression? I mean, being nakey AND legless and then falling is probably most amputee’s worst nightmares… especially if you like the guy more than a “this is a weird Tinder date but I’m horny so whatever” type situation.
Yes! After a few months of us dating, he told me that every time we were naked and I was legless, he purposefully didn’t ever look at my limb. He never touched it or looked at it until I let down my guard a little bit. He said he didn’t know what to say or do, so he just ignored it. You’d think ignoring the elephant in the room would be awkward, but it really just felt like it “wasn’t a thing” to him and it didn’t seem weird at all. I always remember feeling really comfortable around him in the beginning and I never connected the dots until he told me and that made a lot of sense.
Minus the cringe worth pain that my brain can barely imagine because falling on a severed bone would be the opposite of a good feeling, I love love this story. Dating with a physical disability is weird, although there is a spectrum on how openly visible it may be… it’s still visible. Especially in when things elevate in a romantic sense. It’s a part of you, sometimes a fundamentally big part, but it’s not something you want on the forefront of every interaction. It’s a hard balance, no matter how comfortable you are as a human, or as human with a disability, to let someone see you in an extremely vulnerable state. For most amputees, being naked in front of a stranger isn’t nearly as scary as taking your leg off in front of them. When you decide to start a relationship with someone (especially if they are AB) it’s something you want to be comfortable with, want to share, but also want to let them know it’s just yours to own. It’s not something they need to take or focus on or even care (that much) about. (**Usually if I’m feeling lazy with my leg off and want a glass of water, then you should care. lolol)
He let me tell him everything on my own terms. There are still things that I just recently told him because we talk about it a little bit at a time. He never bombarded me with questions, which was nice. It’s kinda of cool that he has never known me with two legs, and has loved me and accepted me for my true self.
(that gif is us at 6:30am after a week of no sleep and all AmpCamp)
Happy Ampuversary my dear friend!
The topic of online dating recently arose amongst some amputee friends. More specifically a male friend of ours, who is a triple amputee, was inquiring what some of our amputee community of friends have done in regards to sharing photos of our disability in our online/dating app profiles.
Once I figured out what the dating apps actually WERE, I made myself a profile and used them sparingly for dating earlier in my twenties. While everyone’s preference and strategies are different, mine was to have a good mix of selfie/body shots with an OBVIOUS photo of me with my prosthesis at the end. (Ugh, the games we play…)
A female friend of mine, who is a single below-elbow amputee and I kind of went off and had an amazing seperate conversation. She gave me some SERIOUS juice to share with my Crazy Legs Community.
I thought you might appreciate this story… In my online dating profile when I was trying to figure out how to tell people about my arm, I described it as:
“I have a prosthesis, but it doesn’t hold me back from anything. I don’t really feel like I should have to tell people, because it’s kind of like if you had a really small penis; at first no one even notices it, you were born that way, and it doesn’t define you.”
My friend told me it was too sassy but some guys thought it was hilarious and said that’s why they went out with me.
-YASS QUEEN after about laughing for 20 full minutes (and currently still laughing) I asked her if by any chance she would have good dating stories to share with my blog. Oh boy, she did not disappoint…
“One guy never noticed (I didn’t tell him) and he took me kayaking. I had never been before and just wore cosmetic arms back then.
I was like “Let’s do a 2 person kayak.”
He said “no, let’s do singles.”
And I said “no, let’s do 2.”
And he said “no, singles are easier.”
I was like, “you have no idea…”
So basically I got in one, and couldn’t do it, and got stuck in the river. So he had to tie my kayak to his and paddle us back (STILL not noticing). Finally we got back to shore and I explained and he felt awful. He also felt dumb for not noticing. We did not go out again after that (he said it’s because I was too sweet.)
I got that a lot, “being too sweet…”
That’s when I decided I should probably tell people ahead of time, they’re going to find out eventually. It’s awkward to bring up so it probably it good to show it somewhat in pictures. But maybe including active pictures to show that it doesn’t hold you back from most things. I definitely had to filter through a lot of guys to find the perfect one but I don’t feel like it was because of my arm; that’s just dating in general.
I actually stood my husband up on our first date because I was taking a nap and slept through my alarm. Luckily, he gave me a second chance. I had told him about my arm beforehand. I think I said something like “just so you know I have a prosthesis. I was just born like that and it doesn’t hold me back from doing anything I just didn’t want you to be surprised.” It was in a text and waiting for the response back was probably the longest few minutes of my life!
My husband didn’t text back for hours after I told him (I realize now it’s because he can’t have his phone at work) so in the meantime I added: “but it kind of filters out the assholes so it’s cool” (just in case)
He’s the best, his parents live on a river and by then, he knew the kayaking story so when we went to visit he surprised me with a way he figured out how I could do it. Now it’s one of my favorite activities! He is a welder and now makes me all kind of attachments.
-Wow… sounds like the perfect man DOES exist. I asked her for a couple of take-home ideas from her experiences.
I think one of the biggest pieces of advice I could give people is not to settle. I use to not be confident at all and a part of me felt lucky when people wanted to date me even with my arm, so I put up with a lot of bad things that I wish I hadn’t. Everyone should know that they are enough, their disability doesn’t define them in any way.
-And it shouldn’t and never will! I don’t think that is exclusive to people with disabilities, though. Our “deficiencies” are so much easier to see on the outside, but EVERYONE deals with SOMETHING that makes them feel less than enough. It’s all relative but we all feel those twinges of insecurities; no matter who you are.
I had an eating disorder forever because someone told me that it was “okay that I had one arm because I at least was really pretty…”
Nice backhanded compliment, huh? But it stuck so I always thought I had to be perfect in every other way and do anything for anyone if I ever wanted to find someone. I do wonder if other people have felt like that though and if there’s any correlation between disabilities and eating disorders?
-I never had issues with food. but I think there definitely is a correlation. I have always been SUPER ULTRA COMPETITIVE and I think it had a lot to do with compensating for my disability; my “deficiency.” I always had to be the top of the class, the funniest in the group, and the strongest on the team. It’s exhausting and not a healthy way to live.
Here’s a little bonus she added to our chat that I will leave with you:
One last thing: I think the best feeling in the world was the first time I had sex with husband without my prosthesis and no makeup. I could feel that he just loved me solely as me. He doesn’t care how I look, how many limbs I have; it is just is me that he loves. Sadly, it’s hard for me to fully grasp the concept due to long-term insecurities but it’s the best thing in the world to have finally found that.
Hey everyone;
This Crazy Legs story comes from a handsome gentleman who happens to have lived his whole life in a wheelchair.
We are Facebook friends and this particular post actually helped spark the idea of my Crazy Legs blog idea:
Strange comments from people while running errands this week.
Tuesday-a guy asked ” are you sure you can’t walk?
Me: pretty sure about.
Wednesday-lady in line at Starbucks: “I just want you to know you are very handsome even though you’re handicapped.”
Me: umm…. thanks.
Thursday- guy at Ace Hardware: you don’t need that wheelchair do you?
Me: (ignored and gave the you’re an idiot look)
Today- guy at the Kawasaki Dealer “how the f*** can you ride a 4 wheeler, you’re in a wheelchair?!
Me: (big sigh) it’s complicated… I get on it and then I ride it.
Do I dare leave my house again?
Obviously, dude has navigated his life through a lot of “face palm” moments.
This is the story he sent to share with the blog:
Hey There Lacey!
I’ve been trying to think of a good story from the 48 years of using a wheelchair and this one keeps coming to mind.
About 25 years ago, I had been dating a girl for a couple years, everything had been going great! We moved in together after 2 weeks of dating. Chemistry was great and the sex was also definitely great. Well, after 2 years of living together she woke up one morning and realized I couldn’t walk and that was the end of it….she couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t walk.
Moral of the story….DATE SMARTER PEOPLE!
-She Walked Away
So my goal here is to entertain but also educate people with Crazy Legs stories… but this one was already so hilariously random and weird I was a little unsure what to ask in regards to education and more in regards to like “wait…seriously?” I managed to get a little more information of this hilariously tragic story.
I’m assuming you had previous conversations with her about your disability, what were her previous positive responses before she suddenly changed her mind?
-She and I met at a bar and hit it off immediately ( yup, we had sex that night) and we had many conversations about me being a paraplegic. I make no bones about the fact that I’ve never walked and will never walk.
-Okay so knowing you, it’s not like she took on any sort of “care taker” role, like you’re a grown ass man and can live on your own… so did she give any sort of reason why the no walk thing was no longer okay with her?
She had no caretaker role as I’m pretty independent. She had always seemed totally okay with that she was dating a dude in a chair. One morning she seriously woke up and said “I can’t date you anymore; you can’t walk and you’ll never walk!” My response was ” umm…… no shit! You just figured that out?!!!” We stopped dating pretty quickly after that. I almost immediately started dating her best friend.
YO MY MAN IS A SAVAGE!!!
So, I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and she is fully aware that I can’t walk and will never walk; she’s totally good with that.
I’ve had some super fantastic situations with dating people in my life, not all were tragic or sad. I think this one is hilarious. Honestly, I’ve always used my disability to my advantage with dating. I always knew people were curious if I could have sex, therefore we’d discuss sex on the first date and just got it out of the way. Some people take months to just discuss sex, I was way ahead of the game.
*Follow up question because I got overly excited from his reponse*
-Haha this is awesome. Is your wife her best friend??
No-I met my wife at my sister’s wedding a few years later.
(that would have been an amazing twist of fate though, but I am glad he is happily married to a woman who happens to be AB)
Dating is weird, for everyone. Being open and honest about who you are is important; but so is being honest with yourself. (This also includes what you can and can’t handle.)
From what I’ve learned with this story, is no matter how open and honest you are about who you are and what disability you may have; sometimes people just won’t be cool with it. And that’s okay, because there are always PLENTY of other people who are! This guy’s whole life is basically a testament of confidence literally being the sexiest trait you can have. I’ve heard that some people really struggle in social and romantic situations on account of their disability, but I have been fortunate enough to belong to the other side where it’s never really been a big deal. I think a lot of that has to do with my unapologetic-sometimes-bordering-delusional sense of self confidence.
Also, just like our AB friends, NOT everyone with a disability is down to talk about their bone-town sexual situations the moment they meet someone new. It’s a good general rule of thumb to take some social inventory on the context and level of conversation in which you’re involved. *MOST PEOPLE DON’T ASK STRANGERS ABOUT HOW THEY HAVE SEX BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD* People with physical disabilities are no different… show a little respect and at least offer to buy ‘em a drink first 😉
PLEASE KEEP SENDING YOUR STORIES MY WAY Crazylegs.llc.2017@gmail.com THIS IS GREAT STUFF PEOPLE THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
WARNING: This post is rated at least PG-13
So, today is my 18th ampuversary. Since my residual limb (I hate the word “stump” fyi it makes me cringe when I refer to my body as a “stump”…) is of legal consenting age; I decided to work on a project that is a little more grown up.
I call it Crazy Legs; I have people submit their totally WTF or hilarious stories having to do with their disabilities in social, societal or sexual situations. I want to shed light on educating people how to deal with disability and the people who have them in a funny, uplifting, and real way.
If you have a story you want to share please email them to crazylegs.llc.2017@gmail.com (you can keep ownership to your story or remain anonymous)
The stories are endless. The hilarity is inescapable. And the lessons abundant.
To help me celebrate another ampuversary and another moment where people just aren’t quite sure how to handle disability; enjoy my very first submission:
So I’ve been seeing someone new for a little over a month now. I wasn’t even sure how to tell him I am an amputee since there’s a bit of a cultural barrier (he’s from another country) and I didn’t want him to misunderstand me. I told him via text, he didn’t care at all. Shortly after that we began sleeping together.
We had been together a few times before I had an actual funny moment with my leg. I was wearing super skinny jeans (you know, the kind that’s painted onto your body) and he was struggling to take them off. He managed to get my left leg, my real leg, free. Instead of even bothering with the right leg, I hit the “eject” button on my prosthetic and jumped out of my socket. We had an actual laugh out loud moment together. He said it will be the most unforgettable moment of his life.
I believe it. Can’t say I haven’t done the same… fake feet and tight ankles on jeans ARE NOT FRIENDS AT ALL. I have ruined pants that way! Honestly, sometimes is best to just like, keep them on the leg for later.
-So I asked my friend some follow up questions and here are some of her ampu-teaching moments:
I think the most important thing I’ve learned being a woman, and an amputee (I’m not even going to try to speak for men) Others are going to be hesitant in so many ways – unsure if they can touch your stump, move you into certain positions, etc. So I’ve found that if I take control and take some humor out of it (my usual line is “I hope you don’t have a foot fetish” or I also say “don’t worry, I still have both my knees”) it eases the situation for all involved. Confidence truly is the sexiest asset we can have.
I think that’s true for every human, disabled or AB*
*Able-Bodied (loosely used term for people without a physical disability)
Usually after that, there is no hesitation and no fear. I just have to remind myself that this is totally normal for me; it’s my body and I look at myself every day. It’s a lot to ask someone to fully accept and understand what to do or say the first time they see you naked. I always say that knowing I’m an amputee (seeing me excel in sport, life, etc) is one thing but actually seeing me completely vulnerable without my leg on is another.
I hesitated to include that part initially because I DON’T agree that it is too much to “accept” someone at first… but I understand what she means. It’s not everyday you are in bed with someone who has removable parts (well, unless you’re actually dating an amputee but you know what I mean…) but being physical with someone who has a limb difference, just like any new person, is uncharted territory. It’s the first time to be acquainted with someone’s else’s body you don’t know and it has (or lacks) some other variables. I think I speak for most amputees when I say that being naked in front of someone doesn’t feel NEARLY as vulnerable as not having your prosthesis on in front of someone new. It’s a leap of faith and trust on both sides.
I think this experience was the first time I was sleeping with someone I was REALLY into and felt fully confident to take my leg off in front of and truly be myself. This might sound horrible, but, ever since my amputation, I feel like I was dating a bunch of…..”safety schools?”
(You know when you apply for college and you have your top 5 and then a few safety schools that you know you can get into, but you might not enjoy as much? Yeah… that.)
That’s how I dated for years. I knew I wouldn’t be rejected, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to have as good of a time. It seemed necessary to do then.
I’m not sure what changed this time, but I decided that I just had to go for it. I am so happy I did because even if this isn’t a forever thing (his Visa expires soonish) it’s something that has made me realize that I don’t need to settle. I can have a really hot guy be super into me and also think it’s very sexy that I am confident about my body, including my leg.
I think the most important thing an AB can know is that if a woman with a disability is willing to sleep with you, it more than likely means she has some level of trust in you. It’s kind of difficult as an amputee to have a one night stand (who actually wants to be someone’s “I f***** a girl with one leg” story?!)
No one. And that’s true; it’s not easy to just like … walk away in the middle of the night without making a ton of noise to put our prosthetics back on.
So if she is down, you’ve already done something right. But remember: we aren’t fragile! Yes, certain positions might be a bit difficult to navigate, but we already know this – we aren’t stupid. We know it’s gone. Every weird thought or question you’re having about our bodies we’ve probably already obsessed over 1,000 times!
Gratuitous addition to help generate more content for future posts included this line:
That might be a lot to digest, but I hope it helps! I think this is a GREAT idea (especially for women) After I lost my leg I asked the first female amputee I met how the hell she had sex. I’m sure this is something that every person thinks about but doesn’t know where to turn or who to ask.
With regards,
-Top School Graduate
On this 18th eve of my Cancer diagnosis anniversary (I call it my “canceñera” since moving to AZ) I published my first vlog!
Check it out:
I had the incredible opportunity to sit down with some friends with the Amputee Coalition after my experience in Rio and talk about the Games, and the evolution of disability for the future. Check it out below!
Fast forward to “the call” and going home and going to team processing and going to Rio, yada yada yada…
I had plenty of time to reflect and here are my thoughts:
17 years ago, on any given Saturday I could be found at Denver Children’s Hospital, In-Patient Oncology ward (typically in the Intensive Care Unit because my cancer experience was consistently catastrophic and I never had an immune system.) Since I was rarely allowed visitors I spent a lot of time by myself.
I would look out the window, and see life continue on without me. I would feel twinges of distress realizing that parents, just like mine, would take their kids, just like me, to their little scheduled weekend activities like soccer games, dance recitals, whatever.
I would have done anything for that to be me again, but I had become an “extraordinary case…”
September 17th, 2016 was just like any other Saturday. I was looking out the window, watching a mother take her son, all dressed up, to his karate class. That could have been my mom and me when I was little, but remember, I have become an “extraordinary case…”
I was looking out the window, on the bus, going to my second and final event at the Rio Summer Games. Gravity hit me, and it dawned on me again that we live in a universe of infinite moments. Just as I had been looking out the hospital window at 9 years old, I was now looking out another window about to perform on the world’s biggest stage. It was an ordinary moment for most people, but for me, it was an incredible opportunity. It was the gift that keeps on giving.
It’s hard to really absorb sometimes, that sick cancer kid in the hospital is the same person. It’s the same person who ran and jumped in the Olympic Stadium. That little kid with the rare form of soft tissue cancer is the same woman who was the first US woman to make it to a Paralympic Long Jump Final ever. EVER.
If you ask any athlete, I would be willing to bet that the Olympics/Paralympics (in our house we just call it the ‘Lympics since we each went to both) is the big dream. It’s everything we word for and towards. It’s “the thing” we do this for. The big show. After countless dollars fundraised and spent and debt acquired and moves and tears shed were all bricks laid down for our one Oly/Para/lympic moment.
As I watched this brazilian mother take her son into his karate class I was astonished by the tranquil contrasts of my life to theirs. So, even in a small moment, in front of your little screen you’re on right now; there’s an infinite amount of big moments happening. Like, right now something big is happening!! Someone taking their last breath. Someone taking their first breath. People falling in love, people being diagnosed with illness, accidents, joyous occasions and everything in between. The Oly/Para/lympics has given me an incredible abundance of gifts. The biggest and most important one is to treat every day, every moment as if it were your Olympic/Para/lympic moment.
Time is a gift denied to many. While we hustle away and make commitments and have dreams and set goals and prepare for all possible outcomes (as best as we can), it’s what we do. It’s how present we decide to be in each moment. That is the true gift. Like most things, time is a currency but perhaps it’s much more expensive than we actually realize.
I’ve seen 3 types of athletes leave this experience:
- Those grateful and overjoyed to have lived and seen it all; regardless of performance.
- Those distracted by the future; the elusive and unpromised hope of tomorrow through 2020
- Those crippled by regret; even if of their own bruised egos… from a crap performance, or dismay and shame for not getting “that big break” they had spent X amount of years working for.
At Rio, I realized we are given endless gifts in each moment; but we have to constantly make choices. You can choose to be distracted looking at everything else or everyone else, you can choose to be remorseful lost in the idea of HOW you thought it was SUPPOSED to be; or you can choose to receive it and be grateful for another moment of an abundant life. However the end turns out, a gift is a gift that is meant to be appreciated.
So for me, my Rio experience, I worked my ass off to get there. I experienced extreme disappointment, and like in the Alchemist, traveled almost all of this planet just to find myself back to where I had started. In that moment, looking out another window. No promises, just time. Me alone in my hospital room, my apartment, wherever, is the same me in the blocks at the Olympic Stadium. I have all the same tools (perhaps better polished) and same capabilities (well, almost…I did take a healthy 2 months off training before the Games which didn’t help my cause), but a brand spankin’ new perspective.
The Olympic experience is not one to only be enjoyed every four years, but in every moment. This gift wouldn’t be complete without the journey. The glory or the shame of performances fade. Records are continuously broken, and people retire from sport. That’s just the nature of the beast. The only insurance you can guarantee for those few precious weeks are the moments and spaces you create for yourself.
I don’t think Olympic Medalists take their medals to the grave with them when they die, maybe they do (I don’t have one so I’m not sure…) I doubt people who never made any Oly/Paral/lympic Team are perpetually followed by the shadows of failure. No. I think how people CHOOSE to live is something that lasts much longer than both shame and glory.
So I guess, after the Summer Games experience I’ve learned something incredibly valuable.
Spend your time being brave in the pursuit of who you are. Find your true self everyday, and love that person fiercely.
All of the struggles experienced, the pain, loss, and grief is NOT in vain. It all brought you closer to that person; yourself.
It’s not every four years, it’s every day.
Fast forward to my other summer plans; the fateful (and unfortunately short) Argentina trip.
I came down to Buenos Aires, only with a place to stay (thanks to the endless love I have from my “adopted family”) and that’s about it… I got in on Sunday, called my (actual) cousins who live close to the city when I got in. A couple days later we had coffee and made plans for a BBQ for the weekend.
2009 with my cousin Coco- the best human on this planet
The only plan I had in Buenos Aires, was to make plans as I went. Sure enough, every day I had someone to meet up with, or something to do. I have fond memories of Argentina, because when I lived there previously in 2009, I had a serious transformation. I had a love/hate relationship with Argentina. It was hard to be there on my own at 20, I wasn’t comfortable in the language, and living in a developing country is really difficult. It’s hard for it’s own citizens and it was hard for me as a foreigner (not to mention a foreigner with a disability.) Navigating transportation was something I had to learn. I needed to figure out how to communicate on a basic level all the way to college level academia was something I had to do. Not to mention try to make friends and not get kidnapped/die/whatever worse case scenario my mom could possibly think of…
Obviously, I was fine.
I felt lonely for a long time my first go in Argentina. Feeling lonely and being lonely I’ve learned are not the same, because I had unknowingly made some lifelong friendships there. By the end of my final exams in Argentina, I wept outside of the classroom. Maybe this was a little bit of the latin passion rubbing off, but maybe not. Without me being conscious of it, I had set out all that I wanted to do there. I wanted to live like an Argentine. I wanted to be fluent in another language. I wanted to see the world through a different perspective; and I did just that. I had leveled up, just like a videogame character, from clueless American college student to expatriate, Spanish speaking woman.
Young Lacey, womanizing herself.
I was planning on staying in Argentina for 4 weeks, but I only got 4 days. Already I was reminded of the unconditional love and support I have from my friends and family down south. Distant cousins went out of their way to make sure I was comfortable, taken care of, and even got to see and do the things I missed from my last visit. In 4 days I was shown such caring that it recharged me and refilled my cup. I was reminded of my first transformation and remembered that in this adult life, I can face anything. My failure in Athletics this year doesn’t define me, it just helps shape my character. I found comfort in my love for language and culture and just in the moment that I had found that my happiness came from within; the phone rang.
With the Copellos (minus Nacho) whom I will love foreverrrrrr
The call that changed the world.
Argentina is very symbolic for me, as I was ready to go back to the place where my life transformed. Let me tell you, South America has YET to disappoint me…
Lacey J Henderson 