Crazy Legs Episode 1: The Eject Button

WARNING: This post is rated at least PG-13

 

So, today is my 18th ampuversary. Since my residual limb (I hate the word “stump” fyi it makes me cringe when I refer to my body as a “stump”…) is of legal consenting age; I decided to work on a project that is a little more grown up.

 

I call it Crazy Legs; I have people submit their totally WTF or hilarious stories having to do with their disabilities in social, societal or sexual situations. I want to shed light on educating people how to deal with disability and the people who have them in a funny, uplifting, and real way.

 

If you have a story you want to share please email them to crazylegs.llc.2017@gmail.com (you can keep ownership to your story or remain anonymous)

 

The stories are endless. The hilarity is inescapable. And the lessons abundant.

 

To help me celebrate another ampuversary and another moment where people just aren’t quite sure how to handle disability; enjoy my very first submission:

 

So I’ve been seeing someone new for a little over a month now. I wasn’t even sure how to tell him I am an amputee since there’s a bit of a cultural barrier (he’s from another country) and I didn’t want him to misunderstand me. I told him via text, he didn’t care at all.  Shortly after that we began sleeping together.

We had been together a few times before I had an actual funny moment with my leg.  I was wearing super skinny jeans (you know, the kind that’s painted onto your body) and he was struggling to take them off.  He managed to get my left leg, my real leg, free. Instead of even bothering with the right leg, I hit the “eject” button on my prosthetic and jumped out of my socket. We had an actual laugh out loud moment together. He said it will be the most unforgettable moment of his life.

 

I believe it. Can’t say I haven’t done the same… fake feet and tight ankles on jeans ARE NOT FRIENDS AT ALL. I have ruined pants that way! Honestly, sometimes is best to just like, keep them on the leg for later.

 

-So I asked my friend some follow up questions and here are some of her ampu-teaching moments:

 

I think the most important thing I’ve learned being a woman, and an amputee (I’m not even going to try to speak for men) Others are going to be hesitant in so many ways – unsure if they can touch your stump, move you into certain positions, etc.  So I’ve found that if I take control and take some humor out of it (my usual line is “I hope you don’t have a foot fetish” or I also say “don’t worry, I still have both my knees”) it eases the situation for all involved. Confidence truly is the sexiest asset we can have.

 

I think that’s true for every human, disabled or AB*  

*Able-Bodied (loosely used term for people without a physical disability)

 

Usually after that, there is no hesitation and no fear.  I just have to remind myself that this is totally normal for me; it’s my body and I look at myself every day. It’s a lot to ask someone to fully accept and understand what to do or say the first time they see you naked. I always say that knowing I’m an amputee (seeing me excel in sport, life, etc) is one thing but actually seeing me completely vulnerable without my leg on is another.

 

I hesitated to include that part initially because I DON’T agree that it is too much to “accept” someone at first… but I understand what she means. It’s not everyday you are in bed with someone who has removable parts (well, unless you’re actually dating an amputee but you know what I mean…) but being physical with someone who has a limb difference, just like any new person, is uncharted territory. It’s the first time to be acquainted with someone’s else’s body you don’t know and it has (or lacks) some other variables. I think I speak for most amputees when I say that being naked in front of someone doesn’t feel NEARLY as vulnerable as not having your prosthesis on in front of someone new. It’s a leap of faith and trust on both sides.

 

I think this experience was the first time I was sleeping with someone I was REALLY into and felt fully confident to take my leg off in front of and truly be myself.  This might sound horrible, but, ever since my amputation, I feel like I was dating a bunch of…..”safety schools?”

(You know when you apply for college and you have your top 5 and then a few safety schools that you know you can get into, but you might not enjoy as much? Yeah… that.)

That’s how I dated for years. I knew I wouldn’t be rejected, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to have as good of a time. It seemed necessary to do then.

I’m not sure what changed this time, but I decided that I just had to go for it. I am so happy I did because even if this isn’t a forever thing (his Visa expires soonish) it’s something that has made me realize that I don’t need to settle. I can have a really hot guy be super into me and also think it’s very sexy that I am confident about my body, including my leg.

I think the most important thing an AB can know is that if a woman with a disability is willing to sleep with you, it more than likely means she has some level of trust in you.  It’s kind of difficult as an amputee to have a one night stand (who actually wants to be someone’s “I f***** a girl with one leg” story?!)

 

No one. And that’s true; it’s not easy to just like … walk away in the middle of the night without making a ton of noise to put our prosthetics back on.

 

So if she is down, you’ve already done something right. But remember: we aren’t fragile! Yes, certain positions might be a bit difficult to navigate, but we already know this – we aren’t stupid. We know it’s gone.  Every weird thought or question you’re having about our bodies we’ve probably already obsessed over 1,000 times!

 

Gratuitous addition to help generate more content for future posts included this line:

That might be a lot to digest, but I hope it helps!  I think this is a GREAT idea (especially for women) After I lost my leg I asked the first female amputee I met how the hell she had sex. I’m sure this is something that every person thinks about but doesn’t know where to turn or who to ask.

With regards,

-Top School Graduate

3 Comments on “Crazy Legs Episode 1: The Eject Button

  1. Lacey, this is incredible how you write! There are a lot of inquiring minds out there‼️ This will make a lot of people feel at ease! Thank you for allowing us laughter in place of nervous hesitations!
    Funny story about my friend Dylan, double amputee, 9 years old! His teacher called his mother concerned that he had been seen kissing a girl on the playground!…not going to worry about his love life in the future‼️

  2. I’m so happy you’ve done this!!! 1. For all of us amps who laugh and nod and smile and relate to it 100% and 2. To show ABs what a clusterfuck of hilarity our lives can be beyond what they “know” about disabilities!
    You go good thing!!!

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